The 100 rules of being a Cape
by Elia41
Summary: A tiny handful of guidelines for Capes who wish to make their debuts... and others.


The 100 rules of being a Cape

1\. Your cape identity is your greatest possession. Under no circumstance should you part with it. (Right, New Wave?)  
1a. Anyone finding out a cape's identity is _please_ asked to keep it for themselves.  
1b. Anyone actively seeking a cape's identity for whatever reason will earn himself/herself the wrath of every single cape in the city. And everywhere else if he escapes.  
1c. Wearing a mask is the best way to protect your life and that of your family when the right-hand man of the villain you caught last week decides to go after you.

2\. What happens in costume _stays_ in costume.

3\. A cape's family is off-limit unless you want a rampaging hulk or a flying artillery turret gunning after you.

4\. Cool costumes are nice. Costumes that keep you alive till the end of the night are even better.  
4a. No cape unless you can easily remove it.

5\. Practicality always goes before coolness. You have powers. People will _not_ hold back fighting you.

6\. Your power sounds lame? Try being creative.

7\. Don't be afraid to improvise.

8\. Looks are deceiving. Especially with Changers.

9\. You have only one life. Any mean to keep it is perfectly valid.  
9a. Still try not to kill your opponent. It's bad PR.  
9b. Before going for the overkill, check his healing factor first. Accidents can happen, but still...  
9c. Anything is valid against an Endbringer. Yes, anything.

10\. There's no shame in running away, especially if your teammates have an ambush set next corner.  
10a. If running away keeps you alive, do it. You'll have all the time you want afterwards to plan your revenge.

11\. Never underestimate the intrinsic lethality of a gun. For you and your enemies.  
11a. If anything else, a good taser works just fine against the right powers, if not better.

12\. When the local Tinker starts bolting for the exit, even if you're a Brute, turn away and run!  
12a. When _any_ maintenance personnel goes bolting for the exit, follow them. They know their stuff.

12bis. Fate is a bitch who loves a good challenge. Don't tempt her.

14\. Threatening-sounding names are _usually_ trustful. Cutesy names, on the other hand...

15\. Glowing eyes are never a good omen.  
15a. If it glows and it shouldn't, prepare for the worst.

16\. Better be too careful than too dead.

17\. The PRT rating system is a _**threat**_ -based system, not an actual score.

18\. Skitter. Not even once.

19\. There comes a time in a cape's career where they feel the need to take things to the next level. Just remember: the other side knows how to escalate too.  
19a. Some capes are better at escalation than others.  
19b. Should you find yourself in a game of escalation, you've already failed at whatever you were trying to do. Winning is nice, but being the sole survivor standing in a crater really sucks.  
19c. There is no PR or reputation to be gained if there is no witness. As a rule of thumb, be nice to the witnesses. They are responsible for your hype.

20\. When boasting or indulging in a monologue, don't tempt Murphy. Nothing good ever comes from it.  
20a. If you find yourself accidentally taunting Murphy, think of a worst case scenario and make it your happy place. Then create an even worse case scenario and pray.  
20b. When planning anything, always keep in mind that Fate and Murphy are a thing. Usually the kind that likes to see people humbled. Often publicly. Always at your expense.

21\. Just because you have powers doesn't mean you have to go and beat people with them. Ever considered the benefits of a desk job?

22\. Going out in costume is _not_ a game. Treat it like one at your own risks.  
22a. Unless it's Halloween, a costume party or a kink.

23\. Rooftop-jumping is not for amateurs. Practice before you try it. It may look easy and cool, but being killed by missing a jump and falling off a building is rather embarrassing.

24\. Flying is not for amateurs. Clotheslines have ruined the lives and rep of many capes. Buildings are just as bad to fly into as the ground. Same with power lines. Long thing short: be careful and fly responsibly.  
24a. While skirts and robes are a fashionable costume choice, if you fly, you may want to consider an alternative. Unless giving panty shots is your thing. In which case, carry on.

25\. The unwritten rules exist for a reason, the reason being to keep the relation between heroic capes, villainous capes and non-powered persons as civic as possible. Break them at your own risks.

26\. Just say no... to an offer of superpowers in return for unspecified favors in the future.

27\. If the collateral damage goes beyond your insurance, try putting it on the villain...  
27a. Don't bother when it comes to an Endbringer. That the city's still standing at the end of the day will already be a victory.

28\. There's a thin line between a daring plan and a suicide attack. _Know it_.  
28a. If a Thinker came up with it, keep in mind they are fallible and their fails can be rather spectacular when they happen. Right, Tattletale?

29\. No matter the situation, having a backup plan or two is always good.  
29a. However, if you're down to Plan D, you may want to reconsider the situation a little.  
29b. "Don't ask the letter." means "We're f*cked."

30\. Knowing how Fate and Murphy are, assume that, the longer things go according to the plan, the bigger the impending disaster.

31\. Hope for the best but expect the worst.

32\. No teabagging a downed foe. The PRT had no problem with female heroes ripping the balls of villains who do that to them.

33\. Armor is always a good thing. Unless you're a Brute, you're as squishy as everyone else. Your powers won't do you any good when your brain has been painted all over the wall with a bullet.  
33a. If your powers rely on moving at superhuman speed or bulking up rapidly, make sure your costume can handle the strain. Outing yourself is embarassing. Outing yourself by ripping your costume apart, doubly so. Especially if it's cold outside.

34\. Thinkers are encouraged to work on their cardio and their running speed, or to build something that can clear the blast radius. Preferentially while alarming as many people as possible on their way.  
34a. Contrary to popular belief, Thinkers don't gain temporary Mover powers when they are in danger. It's just what true terror can do to people.

35\. Use of powers for trivial tasks is not particularly advised, but it's hard to stop all of you from doing so.  
35a. Using your powers to prove or disprove old adages is, however, discouraged. Examples include:

\- Clockblocker timestopping a pot of water.  
\- Skitter mastering flies to go for honey over vinegar.  
\- Victor stalking middle-aged college students.  
\- Crawler trying to convince Bonesaw to split his head in half.  
\- Bonesaw trying to make a hekatoncheir.  
\- Uber doing everything properly on the first try.  
\- Jack Slash comparing a fountain pen and a claymore in effectiveness. (The pen was surprisingly effective at eyes and cheeks and resulted in the death of a surprising number of people but, in the end, the claymore won. He decided to keep it as a joke and nobody's been brave enough to ask him for it.)  
\- Mush rooting around in other people's garbage. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact he learned to immitate raccoons, and they seem to have accepted him for their kind. On an unrelated note, the city's now off-limits to non-Brutes due to the sharp increase in animal attacks.

36\. Remember: just because dressing up in silly costume and going out to fight other people in silly costumes might sound exactly like LARPing, that doesn't mean you need to be ashamed of it. Well, it kinda does but that's what the unwritten rules are for.  
36a. For non-capes: even though it's hard not to point and laugh at the idiots running around in silly costumes, you should always remember to accept other people's life choices, no matter how stupid.  
36b. And remember when you point and laugh at those silly outfits that they can kick your ass to the moon and back, and are your main defense against Endbringers. Don't antagonize them.  
36c. Even if you are a cape, LARPing with a bunch of silly costumes while using your powers will still make you a laughing stock, and pointing the difference between you and them will get your ass beat. That means you, Uber and Leet.

37\. Point and yell "Skeet!" or "Pool!" at flying capes as much as you want. Just keep in mind they may not particularly like it and will most likely retaliate if you follow through.

38\. The PRT may not have powers, but they're still called Parahuman _Response Team_. Taking down capes is their job. Better not underestimate them...  
38a. There are no parahumans in the PRT. Those people are called Heroes and work for the Protectorate.

39\. Even as a Tinker with intuitive grasp on whatever your field is on, taking classes about that particular field and anything related is always a good thing to do.  
39a. Especially if it reduces the risks of your devices going ka-boom or backfiring spectacularly at the worst time.  
39b. On the same vein, keeping a plan of your tech even if others can't replicate it is always a good idea. Other Tinkers may have an idea what you're talking about, and you won't spend half an hour trying to replicate the design from memory when you want to make a new one.

40\. As long as it isn't other people, Masters are perfectly fine using their powers for group dances. Check the "Bug Clone Lineup" video to see how popular it is, these days.

41\. In case of Endbringer fights, please, apply the following rules:

\- Don't attack other villains/Heroes you have issues with. This will earn you a kill-on-sight notice.  
\- The rules applying a cape's identity still apply. Break them at your own risks.  
\- Upon arriving, find out where the command center is and report to see how you can help.  
\- After the fight is over, the truce still applies for an indeterminate time, usually a few days to a week so to bury the dead and recover.

42\. If you're a cape promoting a product or sponsored by a company, make sure you're badass enough to not make people laugh at you or be secure enough in yourself (and the oodles of cash you're getting) not to care.

43\. Hero, villain or rogue, don't forget the most important part of PR of all times: _**PRESENTATION!**_

44\. If you're going to be a hammy hero or villain, be sure to be legitimately badass or the people you will inevitably enrage will horribly maim you or kill you very quickly.  
44a. Also, don't forget Rule 43.  
44b. If your ham is going to get innocents hurt or killed, or if an enemy takes your funny behavior too seriously, drop it and be serious to keep the collateral damage at a minimum. _Then_ you can get back in the act.  
44c. Drop the ham against an Endbringer unless it genuinely helps. Cheering up younger capes is an acceptable reason.

45\. There is no Rule 13 for a reason. Namely: parahumans have enough bad luck as it is without adding some.

46\. If it seems too easy, it's a trap.  
46a. Or your opponent sucks. Yes, Uber and Leet, we mean you.

47\. Be _extremely_ careful when washing your costume. Not every product cleans the same way and having your costume shrink or discolor means you'll most likely have to remake it from scraps.

48\. When it comes to the materials for your outfit and you can't afford Tinker-made stuff, consider the following: spandex is extremely fragile and form-fitting, you can't breathe properly in latex and leather is a real pain to move in. So be very careful when making your costume. Being stuck home because it has a hole is rather disappointing.  
48a. Spandex and other synthetic materials _melt_ , sometimes simply through friction or sliding against the ground. If you don't have shielding, you risk serious wardrobe malfunction, not to mention going against fire capes who can make your costume melt on your skin.

49\. When choosing your future cape career, consider this: they all suck.  
49a. Unless you're a psychopath or an adrenaline junkie. In that case, go wild!

50\. The Endbringers are exactly what they sound like. Don't get too confident. Don't get too cocky. Don't get too careless. You _will_ die.  
50a. No one will blame you if you choose to run from an Endbringer fight. However, remember that every parahuman standing between those monsters and their target could mean thousands of lives saved.

51\. If you have doubts about the feasibility of your _own_ plan, consider using a different one...

52\. The only difference between a hero and a vigilante is that the first has a PR department riding their ass and the second doesn't.

53\. There is no such thing as an atheist cape. In a fight, you are always praying whatever deity there is that your hard counter will show up or there is a new cape in town that will kick your ass. Right, Lung?  
53a. As a reminder, antagonizing a cape who can turn into a dragon is not advisable in any time, place or plane of existence.  
53b. Unless, of course, you're Skitter.

54\. Maybe you can take the other cape. Still best not to tempt Murphy by saying it aloud.  
54a. No, you can't take on Skitter.  
54b. With the number of capes with pseudo-telepathy and the Simurgh, who is an _actual_ telepath, try not to think the words at all.

55\. General rule for an Endbringer fight: don't let them near anything important!  
55a. Especially squishy little you. Unless, of course, you're Alexandria. In this case, slug away.  
55b. For the Simurgh, anything _unimportant_ either. You don't know what she'll do with it, or whatever dimension it came from or will end up into. Actually, just stay away from the Simurgh. Nothing ever ends well with her involved, unless you're already crazy. In which case, have at it, brother.  
55c. If you're the S9, please, get closer. Much closer. We offer teleportation services, free of charge.

56\. Don't talk to Jack Slash.  
56a. Don't listen to Jack Slash.  
56b. Don't trust anyone who looks like a famous actor.

57\. Do not fuck with Dragon. Seriously, it's not worth it unless you're stupidly powerful or an Endbringer.  
57a. Even then, it's still a dumb idea. _Have you seen how much firepower the lady brings to a fight!?_  
57b. We weren't joking.  
57c. The only exception is Defiant. Granted, the context is different...

58\. A trigger event is a personal thing. Don't ask someone to share it.  
58a. Unless you are a PRT-certified therapist.  
58b. And even then, maybe wait until you are in a protective suit.

59\. You cause someone to trigger, just turn yourself in and take the punishment. You deserve it.  
59a. If you don't, we will find you. We are that certain about this fact we can legitimately call it a rule.  
59b. Actually, it may be better to commit suicide than let the newly triggered cape get you.

60\. When in doubt, ask yourself "What would Clockblocker do," Then do the opposite.

61\. Keep the heroes close and the villains closer.

62\. Know your weaknesses. If you're a ground-bound Striker, don't challenge a moving Blaster.  
62a. Without allies.  
62b. In other words, know your powers and their limits. Don't fight stupidly. Not everyone can be Skitter. (Thanks God...)

63\. Don't try to turn everyone into Skitter. We tried that once. She killed what amounted to a god after fighting it across multiple dimensions. If everyone were Skitter, who knows how many gods would actually be slain within the first five minutes...

64\. All medicines can become poisons. Beware the healers.  
64a. Especially the cute ones, the quiet ones and, god forbids, the cute _and_ quiet ones.  
64b. Don't complain to them either. It will only irritate them.  
64c. Also, never ever compare them to Unohana from Bleach or ever let them know said manga exists. It will only give them ideas.  
64d. Also, never disobey any order they give you regarding your medical needs, even if you have a Healing factor and think you're totally fine. If they still believe there's a problem, that's because they know better than you. If said problem never shows, it means they did something to you in your sleep.

65\. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are War, Pestilence, Famine and Death, not Lung, Skitter, Bonesaw and Glaistig Uaine.  
65a. No matter how terrifying that group working together would be.

66\. Do not give Skitter ideas.  
66a. Especially when she's pissed.  
66b. Unless you're on her side. Then you should. Preferably before she thinks you're dead weight.

67\. Don't threaten children. If you question this rule, ask Lung what happened when he broke Rule 54. Use _those_ particular words, he'll know what you mean.

68\. You are _not_ tough enough to go alone. Make friends. Even monsters like Lung and Jack Slash and the paragons like Alexandria and Eidolon work in team. Everyone works in teams for reason. If you're not a special snowflake and you want to survive, you best start understand that.  
68a. What do you mean, " _Are you being sarcastic?_ " Have you _seen_ the death rates of solo capes?  
68b. The notable exceptions are Nilbog and the Sleeper. _Do not go near them!_ That should be obvious enough but there's always one.  
68c. Especially if you're Jack Slash.

69\. There is no such thing as Protagonist Plot Armor. Every hero, villain, rogue, psycho and civilian thinks they are the protagonist of their own epic. Everyone of them have been proven wrong. Several times.  
69a. Plot Armor is a fallacy. On Earth Bet, from the plot is to stick and stir you in the most painful, humiliating and horrible way. In short, no cape ever "has it easy". Always be mindful in your works.  
69b. A common saying among capes is "Being X is suffering", where X is someone who thought Rules 69 and 69a didn't apply to them. Don't be like X. That level of suffering is not for amateurs. Write that down.  
69c. Keep in mind that what a cape thinks is suffering is probably more than what mere mortals can handle. Also, this type of suffering will most likely not be the kind you can pawn off others. Remember that when living the epic your mind constructed.

70\. Do not kidnap a Tinker. This will come back to kill you.  
70a. Do not give a Tinker time to prepare. If they know what to expect, they can find a way to destroy you.

71\. Do not let Mouse Protector go under your skin. Metaphorically-speaking. For that way lies a slow slide into insanity.  
71a. Do not let Bonesaw get under your skin. Mouse Protector learned it the hard way.

72\. It's all fun and games until someone gets stabbed in the eye, or shot in the head, or has their testicles rotten off via insect venom, or... well, you get the idea.  
72a. Surrendering is an option. Depending the cape, it's probably the best option. Unless your name is Tagg, Coil or Saint.  
72b. If your name is Tagg, Coil or Saint, I'm sorry. There's nothing in the multiverse that can make your fates anything but Bonesaw's happy place.

73\. If you find yourself legitimately capable of time travel and want to redeem horrible people for the good of humanity, just brainwash them and be done with it.  
73a. This doesn't apply to Heartbreaker. He is an asshole who deserves to die a thousand painful deaths, minimum.  
73b. If it isn't for the good of humanity, at this point, we can't actually stop you from trying. Good luck, and don't cause an early Morning. An early Golden Morning, I mean. Don't go twist the words around...

74\. Don't convince Clockblocker Skitter stole an invisibily cloak/belt/random device and is on her way. He had a heart attack last time.

75\. If you see insects gathering nearby, you're already Skitter'd.

76\. Never let Skitter get her hand on the plant called Euphorbia poisonii. Pepper spray is bad enough.  
76a. Or let her buy a ticket to Australia, for that matter.

77\. Getting ideas from video games is good. Still consider both the potential collateral damage and your reputation before putting them in practice.

78\. In light of the recent fire that nearly destroyed the rig, Clockblocker is hereby banned from any and every Tinker workshop in Brockton Bay.  
78a. Before handling any Tinker-made material, make sure you've read the manual first.  
78b. When you see a big glowing button in a Tinker workshop, always ask what they do first. You wouldn't want to _accidentally_ trigger the self-destruct mechanism, now would you?

79\. Under no circumstances are Skitter and a biology-based Tinker allowed to be left together without supervision for any marked length of time. If Skitter can take over a city with garden variety insects imagine what she'd do with the kind of things one of those mad scientists could churn out.  
79a. In fact, it would be best if any such meeting were avoided at all costs.  
79b. In the event Skitter and the biotinker in question still cross paths, please notify your local PRT branch to prepare the nuclear countermeasures.

80\. For the love of god don't talk about exotic insects if you're in the same county as Skitter. What if she hears you and gets interested?  
80a. This goes the same for exotic sea life or any other organism that falls within her power.

81\. Just because a cape's outfit and/or powerset appears villainous doesn't mean they are. Powers are not something a cape gets to pick and chose, and alienating a potential hero by immediately thinking them a villain is also as bad as pissing off a villain by mistaking them for a hero.  
81a. That being said, do not judge a cape by their powerset. Judge them by what they do with their powers if at all possible.

82\. If at all possible ensure you costume has at least some protection against the following:

\- Nuclear  
\- Biological  
\- Radiation  
\- Chemical  
\- Fire  
\- Bullets  
\- Concussive force  
\- Explosions  
\- High intensity sound  
\- Any capes that is possible to protect yourself against  
\- Sharp pointy things. Never underestimate a pointy metal thing called a knife  
82a. There is no preparations or defense against Skitter.

83: Do not 100% believe a Cape when they tell you their powers. Often times Capes like to keep the full breadth of their powers a secret as an ace up their sleeve.  
83a: This is doubly true for Thinkers.  
83b: If you can manage to mislead people into thinking you have a different power than you do, use it to your advantage.

84\. Cape fights are like trench warfare, it's a good idea to carry a knife, a gun doesn't hurt either.

85\. When fighting a Master, keep them AWAY from what they control if you want to win.

86\. Do not leave any entomology books where Skitter can find them.  
86a. Just burn all the entomology books. It's for the best.

87\. Never tell a Cape to "Get Biblical."

88\. Close does count, who ever came up with "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" Is a God Damn liar!

89\. "All is fair in love and war." And Cape fights are most definitely war.  
89a. Except for Crawler, cape fights are love. Think about that and try to sleep.

90\. Remember fighting preteen capes is not worth it. You always look bad.  
90a. Yes kicking their ass make you look like a bully.  
90b. Especially if they are a photogenic/cute Ward. That PR department will rip you to shreds  
90c. Getting your ass kicked makes you look worse.  
90d. Running from them makes you look even worse.

91\. DO NOT GIVE GLEN CHAMBERS IDEAS!  
91a. If you do the Protectorate will come down on you like a ton of bricks.  
91b. Please also remember that the Wards will dodge most of the trouble from brutalizing you by acting scared and implying they panicked.  
91c. The PRT do not approve of being dressed in pastel colors when with heroes. When they find out who suggested this to Glen expect retribution.

92\. Contrary to popular belief, an anti-material rifle and several miles between you is all it takes to put Skitter down.  
92a. The same could be said for the majority of capes with obvious exceptions. Crawler, Siberian, Alexandria...etc.  
92b. It is worth noting this while it is possible to kill the majority of capes as a badass normal with a big ass gun it is highly frowned upon and will usually get you killed in short order  
92c. If, however, you are a cape seeking to even the odds it is more than acceptable - it's the smart thing to do.  
92d. For the sake of your own safety, only even the odds against capes with kill orders.

93\. When training, find a way to use your power for as many methods of attack and defense as possible.  
93a. Don't approach the problem with thoughts of what you can't do. Ask yourself what you can do.  
93b. And if you can't work it out on your own, browse PHO. Those people have the weirdest ideas that tend to work every so often.

94\. Before putting on your costume, research any other capes in the area. Then think long and hard about as many different ways they can kill someone as you can. Then think about how long THEY'VE had to think about that.

95\. Cutouts and keyholes in costumes look great in old comic books, but unless you have a gravity-altering ability or are willing to deal with gluing to your skin and painfully removing glued fabric every night, in addition to likely highlighting some vital spot on your body, think really hard about costume design before you implement it.  
95a. Designing your costume for attracting others rather than protecting yourself and your identity is also a bad idea. Even if your power revolves around such things, do not do so unless you can be certain you won't be torn in half in your first actual fight.

96\. When powers fail, knowledge and a good pair of legs are a skeleton key.

97\. "When all you have is an empty purse, everything starts looking like a coin." Maybe, but think carefully before joining a gang or the Protectorate. These guys have rules you solo cape don't always have.  
97a. If you have a job outside costume, there's no problem in raiding drug caches now and then to supplement your incomes. After all, it's just temporary...

98\. Being a cape is cool. If you start failing school or your job because it makes you too tired to work properly, you may want to revise your schedule.

99\. There's nothing wrong in using Changer powers to make you look a little prettier. People may start asking questions, though.

100\. Now if you follow all the above rules you might just make it as a cape  
100a. And no matter how high you climb or how powerful you are, there is always a chance some random schmook can beat you ass. Just because you have god like powers does not mean you are one.


End file.
